I’m not sure how to write this entry without a lot of backstory- if you feel like you need it take yourself to October 2004 in the archives. This entry is largely just me thinking aloud.
See that date? 2004. A lot can change in two and a half years. Ida and I have gotten some semblance of a friendship back in that time. Sarah too. Very different than how it was before, which is going to be a given when friendships break apart. There are still things that don’t make sense about what happened, and the reasons I was given for why it happened. But it’s been a long time and I’m over it. If people still have their panties in a bunch over things that happened that long ago, it’s their issue, not mine, especially if those people never gave me a chance to redeem myself. Or, if people want to continue to mask the real reasons for things, whatever. Again, I’m over it. I’m going to enjoy the times I spend with these two people and not worry about the rest because there’s nothing I can do about it.
But here’s the thing- Ida is having a baby. She’s also having a baby shower tomorrow. Back before she got married- months before- I wanted to throw her a bridal shower but she didn’t want one. She said “Tell you what, if I have another baby you can throw me a baby shower” and that was pretty much that. I’m not upset that I’m not throwing it- given the state of our relationship it’d be completely inappropriate for me to do so.
But I’m not invited to the shower. Her family is going to be there and they still don’t like me, and since they’re her family she kind of has to choose them over me. I found out about the shower when I heard her asking someone if they’d gotten the evite. I wasn’t eavesdropping, I was sitting right there. And honestly, I didn’t really care that I wasn’t invited. It would be fun and I totally love that shit, but whatever. Total non-issue.
Except that it turns out that it is an issue. It just hit me today. And I don’t want it to be an issue. I don’t want it to hurt that I’m missing it. And I don’t want to know that every other woman in our medieval group seems to be invited. Honestly I was fine with it until it was brought up on the email list by someone I’m pretty sure isn’t all *that* good of a friend. Then I was suddenly both pissed and hurt, however appropriately or inappropriately so.
I’m mad at being excluded. I’m madder about the reasons I’m being excluded. I’m mad that I got accused of childish behavior in the blowup two years ago, yet Ida’s mom is seemingly being every bit as childish about the situation. I’m mad at Ida for just shrugging it off, for never defending me and pointing out that I’m not the one in the wrong anymore. Most of all I’m mad at myself for expecting anything to be any different than it has been. I’m mad at myself that it matters so much to me. I’m mad that I want to point at our history and say “Look! Look at what we had. Why doesn’t that matter to you?”
I understand the need to choose family over friends. It doesn’t mean I think it’s right. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want her to say “You know what? She’s my friend and I want her there. This party is supposed to be about me and you can just fucking suck it up and be a goddamned adult for two fucking hours.” I’m so tired of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells. Especially when I’m not the one unwilling to make amends. When I’m not the one who hasn’t gotten over whatever the hell my issues are two years later.
Fuck. Fuck Fuck FUCK.