Darkness Reigns

I don’t often take this blog into the dark places of my life, but this is one of those times. I mentioned my struggle with depression in a recent post. This has been the most dramatic relapse I’ve had since I started taking medication for it. The recent post was about how I’d gone off the meds and was struggling with my insurance company to get back on the proper prescription. I have it now but it’s only half the dose I was on before- 150mg vs. 300mg.
When I first sought help for depression it was because something scared me badly enough to do it. I’d been having a “rough patch”, as I used to call them. And I was driving home one night and I was thinking about things and thought to myself “if [bad thing that was going on then] happens, I’m going to have to kill myself, because I can’t take much more of this.” I had never had thoughts like that before. Suicide has never been and answer in my book. I called my doctor the next day.
I go through periods where I think I’m better. Periods where I think I don’t need my medicine and so I don’t take it. And those periods lead to where I am now. Climbing my way up out of a downward spiral. A friend mentioned that he was surprised by my post- he’s known me for a couple of years and had no idea, because it’s not something I ever mentioned. I don’t talk about it because if my depression bores me it’s got to be boring to others. Also, when I was younger, I would say outlandish things to get attention. I know all kids do that, but that behavior lasted well into my teens. So sometimes when I think about mentioning something about it to someone, I question my motives for doing so. Am I mentioning it so they’ll feel sorry for me? Am I mentioning it so they can give me advice? They can’t fix this, so what good does it do either of us?
I don’t have the answers to those questions. I do know though, that yesterday, for the first time in my entire life, I felt mildly suicidal. I was awash with overwhelming sadness and my heart hurt. I felt like I wanted to be dead so that the hurt and the sadness would go away. I’m not sure why. Nothing has happened recently to give those feelings any validity- it was simply a bad day for me and my brain chemistry. While feeling that way I carried on several IM conversations with friends, acting as if it were just a normal day. Because really, it was. I knew I wasn’t going to do anything to myslef, I knew that I in no way was going to act on the feelings I was having. They were just there.
I have made an appointment to see my doctor on Monday. I’m not ignoring this like I used to. This is a serious problem and I know I need help fixing it. Because I want to be myself again. I don’t want to be ther person who wallows in their misery and lets their depression define them. I guess I wanted to post this because even though I know it might worry some, it might help someone too. Someone who randomly googles and finds out that someone else has felt what they are feeling. And I wanted to post it because that’s what this blog is for. It’s for burdens I am tired of carrying, tired of keeping locked silently away in my mind and my heart, and it’s a place I can look back and see where I was and how far I have come.