Thinking aloud

I wish I knew where my mind was these days. So much has happened since I turned 28. My brain has gone in so many different directions that I don’t know what I think anymore. I moved. There was crazy housemate drama. There was the complete meltdown of everything that had been built up with “Brian”. I started going to church again. I met several wonderful bloggy friends. There was the blowup with Sarah and Ida. The reconciliation with “Brian”. The wedding of some friends that made me really think about where my life is. I’ve had conversations with so many people on so many subjects- God, religion, work, mistakes, forgiveness, love, relationships, judgement…
I haven’t been sure what I wanted. I’ve always known I wanted to get married. I’ve always wanted kids, until the last five years, when I haven’t been sure. Now, I’m pretty sure I know what I want, but I don’t know how to get there.
I want to get married. I want kids. I want to be part of a family. I want to come home at night to kisses hello from a man who will love me for the rest of my life. I want a child that will run to me screaming “Mommy! Mommy!” when I’ve been away from them, and cling to my leg if I try to leave. And I want it all now. I’m tired of going to work all day, and coming home at night to an empty queen size bed and a cat that clamors for attention (not that my cat isn’t wonderful) when I want to sleep. I want to have arms to walk into at the end of a long day.
I see my friends getting married. I read about other people being so fulfilled, and it’s wonderful. But I want to scream and swear at God and say “Where the hell is mine?! Why the fuck am I STILL waiting? It’s not fair and I’m so tired of it and dammit You are all powerful, just give me what I want! Is it really that hard? Why? All that I want is to feel like I am loved, and to be able to see and feel and touch that love. Is it really so much to ask?”
Is it?
It’s been three weeks since “Brian” and I talked. And I haven’t heard a word from him since. Unfortunately, this wasn’t uncommon for him in the past. It may be that he’s still a bit bruised from everything that has happened, and that would be understandable… I just want to know. I want to know where he is and what he is thinking.
But most of all, I just want to be happy with my life again, because right now it just hurts too much to be me.

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