Fighting my programming

When I was growing up, I was taught that to show weakness was failure. If you were hurting, you didn’t talk about it. I’m surprised I’m as much of a cryer as I am, because I wasn’t really allowed to cry growing up. I think that’s part of why I bottle things up, why I hesitate and agonize over writing things on my blog. I care way too much about what people think to let myself be that vulnerable without major internal struggling. I wanted my blog to be witty and fun. I don’t want it to turn into a place where I’m always whining. I know I’ve said a couple of times that I want to be more real here… well… I’m working on it, and give me some time, and you should be seeing some posts with actual substance.
In the last 14 days, I’ve barely slept, I’ve cried myself sick at least four times, I couldn’t think about eating without feeling like I was going to throw up, I was down to one meal a day and I’ve lost at least 5 pounds. The issues mentioned above account for part of why I haven’t written about what’s been going on, but the other part is that I’ve been sick to death of talking about it, I’ve wanted to pretend it wasn’t there and not think about it, and that I’ve been going through crazy mood swings over it- sadness, depression, anger, betrayal… you name it I’ve probably felt it recently.
But things are getting better slowly, I slept a long dreamless night last night and lunch actually sounds good today.

One thought on “Fighting my programming

  1. Jo

    I know what you mean about wanting to have the ‘funny’ blog. Right now its just the place I’m free to vent and to heck with anyone who doesn’t see it my way. Glad you feel better –

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