hello, good morning, how’ve you been?
yesterday left my head kicked in…

I feel like I have been slammed into the ground with quite a lot of force. I am deflated, like the momentum knocked the wind out of me and now I canít breathe. My eyes are puffy and sore from too many tears, and more seem to be waiting until there is time to shed them. My coworkers have noticed that I seem quiet and withdrawn. I cried for about three hours last night, pouring out the heartache for myself and for the one who caused it, and think I cried in my sleep as well because when I woke up my eyes were still red and my pillow and blanket were damp. For the first time in a long time I slept with my baby blanket that Iíve had since before I can remember, and it didnít bring me the comfort it usually does. And the heartache is still there. The weight of it, and the weight of the knowledge and projection for the future that caused it, is nearly unbearable.
I want to be angry at the person who caused this- who caused me to drive more dangerously than I ever have before- flying down the freeway toward PKís, unable to see where I was going for the gasping sobs emanating from my chest and their accompanying tears. I scared the hell out of PK too, ringing his doorbell at 11pm when he wasnít expecting me, standing on his porch in my pajamas crying so hard that for the first 10 minutes or so all I could do, other than nod my head to indicate that I myself was all right, was sit in his arms and try to stem the gasping tears enough to speak and tell him what was wrong. I did tell him, and he is one of only two who know why, and I darenít tell anyone else.
I canít be angry though. He wants me to be, and I almost wish I were, because anger is easier than anguish. If I was angry I wouldnít feel so raw. And if I was angry, I wouldnít feel guilty. Guilty because I am sad for my own future, and his, but his is so much bleaker than mine that I almost feel that weeping for my own pain is wrong. I just have to find a way to keep breathing, and pray that he can too.

5 thoughts on “hello, good morning, how’ve you been?
yesterday left my head kicked in…

  1. dan

    I have no idea what has happened, so my instinct to offer advice will have to be subdued. But I am very sorry to hear of your distress, and I hope it fades soon. if it would be of any help to talk it out with someone on the outside, feel free to vent at me. I can be very non-judgmental when I have advance warning.

  2. Kelly

    It sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate right now. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. *hug*

  3. PK

    Everyone has a challenge in life. Some people need to learn to be more kind. Others more forgiving. A handful have many challenges, more than you or I could know. Your challenge, I think, is to learn to love yourself, no matter what. I mean, really, honestly love yourself. What you seek in others I know lies within yourself. Only after you see what I see, can you love another person with the intensity you’ve dreamed of. I just wish I could show it to you. I love you with all of my heart and soul. PK.

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