Future plans

A few weeks ago, Ida, Sarah and I were talking about baby names, because after Ida and Mo get married later this year, they want to have a baby. Ida already has two boys from a previous marriage, so she *really* wants a girl this time. Sarah and I threw a ton of names at her, and she really likes the name Victoria.
The fabulous Caryn and I were talking last week, and somehow the topic of baby names came up. I told her part of me wanted twin girls, so I could name them Abigail Tyler and Elizabeth Austyn. But there is another part of me that isn’t sure I ever want to have kids of my own. Anyone who has known me for a long time will be shocked to learn that.
I’ve babysat since I was 10. All I ever wanted was a baby of my own. But babies grow out of that cuddly stage, and turn into children that you have to interact with, and teach and discipline. When I was somewhere around 21, both of my best friends had babies (my nephews. I don’t have any blood nieces or nephews yet). And I got a small dose of what 24-hour parenting was like. It was fun, but it was nice to be able to be like “I’m done now” and be able to give them back. Around that time, I was also a nanny. I actually got sick of other people’s kids, but not my nephews of course. I quit watching other people’s kids because I wanted some of my own someday.
I fully admit that I’m a selfish person. I like my life being my own, and not having to take care of anyone but myself. But more than that, there are kids in my life that I “parent”. Not just my nephews, but Ida’s boys, and Sarah’s daughter, but not her so much since she’s a teeneager now. And I notice trends in that that I’m not sure I like. I’m really strict, and sometimes I’m mean. I don’t try to be mean, but sometimes I look back and think, “Wow. I could’ve handled that better” I don’t worry about it too too much, since I know the lectures they get from me are a very small percentage of their overall “parenting”.
But what about my own kids? I’m really worried that I’m going to be a tyrranical parent. I’m worrried that I’m going to be a parent like my father. Don’t get me wrong, my dad loves me and was a really great father- hell, I’m Daddy’s girl all the way, I thought he hung the moon- but he was really strict and woe to you if you didn’t toe the line. He didn’t hit us or anything, but he could be verbally abusive at times, and we got grounded a lot. And I’m super worried I’m going to be too hard on my kids.
People tell me it’s different when its your own child, and I suppose to a point I believe that, but I still have my doubts. I’ve got time though, I hardly have to make a decision today. My future kids are a long way off, since I’m single and there don’t seem to be any prospects anywhere on the horizon, but someday, it might be an issue.

One thought on “Future plans

  1. Sabrina

    Well I would say don’t have kids unless you’re 100% certain that you want them. You can always change your mind and have kids but once you have them, you can’t change your mind back. Not wanting kids is not selfish. It’s probably one of the most selfless things you can do. Some people just shouldn’t be parents. I’m one of them, and I totally recognize that. I do not want the responsiblity. Better to know that and not have kids than to deny it, have kids, and totally screw them up.

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