Okay, so enough being vague. Two weeks ago, a couple of very close friendships came to an end. I’m still not sure what I did to cause it, but Sarah and Ida, two people that I thought I was really close to, decided they needed a break from me. Apparently that decision was made a while ago, as it has come to my attention that problems had been mentioned to other people but not to me. Everything came to a head on the eve of Ida’s wedding, and I ended up not being welcome there. I can’t even begin to describe the pain of missing that, or the pain of knowing that I wasn’t wanted there.
On Friday (October 1), I wasn’t quite sure what was going on. People got upset, and I feel that the way it was handled left a lot to be desired. The cruelty in the tone with which the message was delivered that I was not welcome at the wedding just made it all the harsher. I cried for hours that night, both in Keegan’s arms, and alone in my bedroom. Saturday the 2nd dawned clear and sunny, a beautiful day for a wedding. My housemate got married that day too, and I went to her wedding that morning, but my heart just wasn’t in it. Keegan picked me up and we headed for the beach, hoping to see a friend and the welcome distraction she would provide, but that ended up not happening. I didn’t cry as much as I expected to that day, but I lost it a little on the way home from the beach. I feel kinda bad for that, because Keegan was with me and he was trying to be the friend I so desperately needed. I spent the night at his house because I couldn’t bear the thought of being alone in my room again.
I honestly don’t remember what I did on Sunday the 3rd. I just know that Sarah didn’t call like she said she was going to, to explain what the hell had gone so horribly wrong… Oh, I remember now, I went to the theater with some friends and saw a very weird musical about a doomed romance.
On Monday the 4th I had to go back to work, and try like hell to keep the tears trapped inside my eyelids, an endeavor which failed in the first five minutes, being as I lost it when my boss asked how the wedding was. That night I called Sarah, to try and make some semblance of sense out of the whole thing. Sarah was cold, and in my opinion, cruel, in relating that they were done being my friends, that she would mail me my stuff and that I was no longer welcome. She made a couple of comments, but there was still no “we think that you’re doing such-and-such and we want no part of it, please go away now” definitive reason.
The days after are still a bit of a blur. There were people that needed to be talked to in an attempt to limit the fallout from the situation, and I think that that was effectively accomplished. People who know me well kept calling to be sure I was okay, and people who didn’t know anything had happened would ask how the wedding was and I’d lose it all over again. I’ve been tormented by my dreams every night since October 1, with the exception of last night.
Last night I saw Sarah for the first time since that fateful Friday. I spent the entire day dreading it, not knowing what to expect. To my utter surprise, she was cordial and even gave me a hug. So we’re taking a break from each other, though I can say that things will never be as they were. I don’t know that I’ll ever get over missing that day, or the fact that the people I thought were my friends could treat me in such a way. And while I will be an adult, while I will go on with my head held high, while I will still do my best to enjoy my life, I can’t promise that there won’t be moments like these, when it still really hurts, when I’ll sit in my room, trying to pour my heart out through my fingers, with tears streaming down my cheeks.